confession or ???

Arrrghh!! I feel I have wasted my time... I feel so restless! Really restless if you get watta i mean! My fwenz are enjoying now...

N I tot i made da rite choice ... Darn it! Why do I feel so darn pathetiC? Everyone has something to do... and i feel sooo ...BREATHLESS... hahahha! Tis is funnie... when I was working like a cow... I feel so much like taking hols... Man..I think Im a workaholic! I cant stand doing NOTHING... oh gosh!

Yea... calm down... but i really wanna go for my holiday and i cant wait for July 14...

Hahhahahahahahah... sometimes i feel great! sometimes i feel darn downtrodden...

oh well! Im juz a complainer ... complain complain complain yada yada yada...

Sometimes, I rmb God say... be grateful and satisfied of your condition... but i always feels like... something missing in my life... or i havent live life to da fullest... maybe if i keep myself as simple as possible and as plain as possible... i will be a lot happier... cut down all da worries... and what people may think....

I went to church... n u know... when there's something bothering u... u go out and there a pastor who will pray for you... and he said that God says "I am please with you. And within you flow so much of joy that it shines in you. Do not let it stop flowing because of the trivials in life. You bring joy and encouragement to the people around you like Barnabas" But... I cant see myself holding so much joy in me that it flows out to other people... I cant see how I give joy to others... when i do not learn to appreciate the little things in life... What are the things that I can feel happy about today? I really wanna know how people can be so grateful and contented with what is normal to them in their life like having eyes to see, skin to feel, ears to hear, feet to walk and so many other things...

I realise ... all along.. that Im a very insecure person... and I really depend on others to give me the security that I long for... but why do I have to depend on other and not myself? I read before that true security lies in what you can do without ... not what you have... then i was thinking... my sense of security lies in how many people I know, how well I communicate with people, how people respond to me, even how I look like and how much I can afford something... man... these are so shallow... i depend on the things AROUND me to make me feel secure but NOT IN ME... the sense security seem so fragile... now that it is controlled by things that are out of control.... like people in general.... i dun wanna sound like some control freak here... but yea.. i guess i am... n it gets tiring... really.. i wanna security inside me... and i know the way to gain security is to believe in God with all your mind, soul and heard... I really admire and adore those people who can give their life to God... man.. itz really not easy to give ur life, ur trust and ur hope to something that you cant see... but purely base on faith... itz so hard.... i cant... i tried... and it was wonderful da feeling of being free from tis world tat is full of expectation of you.. or what you think of yourself at least....

I wanna give my life to the Lord... but I feel... so left out when I do.... I couldnt feel the satisfaction... maybe.. I dunno... how do I build my faith on him.... by juz staying at home.. it makes me really restless... cant seem to sit down to read a book... n confused wif people... I learn not to be so serious in stuff.... that talking without using ur brains seem to work well wif people... hahah! you get wat i mean... say things brashly and harshly ... tat's da way man.... when u seem to get intellectual.. u feel... bored.... but the other way... u feel ... dumb...

hahahha! im making things so darn complicated... oh well... yada yada yada....

Life is juz so....i dunno what to say...